Oh, Immoderate Fool!

Oh, immoderate fool!

I have strengths. These do not include moderation.

In my adolescence I foolishly scorned moderation and lauded myself for my tendency to focus intently on singular pursuits. “Anything worth doing is worth doing compulsively!” I insisted. Oh, immoderate fool!

I am pretty sure the bipolar phenomenon has something to do with this. Each hypomanic wave energizes me to pursue a particular creative avenue –

Fall 2022 – Nano House Design

(Ideal for mobile or secret dwellings)

Oh, Immoderate Fool!

Winter 2022/2023 – Sketching

Oh, Immoderate Fool!

Spring 2023 – Watercolor

Summer 2023 – Writing and Recording Music

Oh, Immoderate Fool!

Fall 2023 – Dirtsmith.com!

Oh, Immoderate Fool!

Winter 2023 – Tiny Plywood Boat Design

The Cycle

I think some form of depressive slump punctuates the gap between each productive, creative wave. Right before starting this blog I was very actively writing and recording music. I was pushing hard to write and record a song a week, and if I didn’t get a complete, satisfactory demo of a song completed in a week I would move onto another song the next. The preceding depressive phase was the worst I have experienced thus far and derailed me from my livelihood. And the episode that followed resulted in a successful diagnosis of Bipolar II.

In the midst of my daily blog posting over two months I realized that I was clearly riding another hypomanic phase (it felt wonderful). Bipolar Disorder affects everyone differently. Some people have really great internal experiences during a hypomanic phase (even if there are ultimately consequences). Some are “fortunate” in that they typically experience the hypomania and seldom the depression. (I have a suspicion though that those in this position may externalize a lot of pain and trauma on those around them). I am “unfortunate” in that I struggle mainly with the depression. The plus side being that I tend to internalize a lot of my trouble and so maybe I don’t manage to spread the trouble around to others as much?

The Experience

The problem with the medications for Bipolar is that they sort of squash the range of feelings – while they can put a floor under the depression, they also put a cap on the euphoria. I know that was my ex-wife’s experience. When she began taking the medication currently prescribed to me she went through a period of elation wherein she praised this wonder drug for saving her life. But she eventually found herself in the position I just described – sandwiched between the affective limits established by the drug.

I knew that this was likely the same thing I was experiencing, so I pushed hard to extract as much from this hypomanic wave as I could. I knew it wouldn’t last, and that I might never experience a run quite like this again.

Another thing I knew from my experiences with my ex was that she was often the last person to realize that she was depressed. It’s another odd feature of the disorder – the sensation of the hypomania and depression can take a while to register for some reason.

This Time Around

The anticipated depressive wave arrived on cue. It didn’t coincide with the cessation of daily blog posts though. Instead, my hypomania was diverted into my plywood boat project. I had intended to fully document the process on the blog. But in reality blogging, at least the way I do it, consumes a lot of time and energy. I just didn’t have enough of either to work on my boat project and document it simultaneously.

Meanwhile, the scope of the project began to balloon. This is a common phenomenon I encounter. I am “process oriented” rather than “results oriented.” There are others like me who no doubt have similar experiences. “That which we attend to grows.”

Thus far the depressive phase has been remarkably mild (this is wonderful of course!) Mostly what I have been conscious of is a slackening of my motivation. I haven’t been applying myself very fully to my interests and pursuits for a couple of weeks. And I have been a bit more slovenly than usual. I think part of my lack of motivation is just that it’s gotten darker and rainier. But that doesn’t explain all of it.

Anyway. I am still here, and have not joined the ranks of Inventors Killed by their Inventions.

The Daily Stone